Archive for November, 2007

A Word of Encouragement

I’m entering “End Game” for the term, and things (including myself) are getting crazy. It’s times like this where you have to draw hope from the optimistic spirit of Scott Pilgrim.

This is, for the record, the second time I have stolen an image from Chris’s Invincible Super-Blog. Go check that out for more frequent, and frankly better, blogging.

November 28, 2007 at 6:47 am Leave a comment


The newspaper is organizing a trip to a national journalistic conference in Ottawa later in the year. The plan is to road-trip a bunch of people out, but there’s going to be limited space in the van. As such, we’re holding elections to see who can go and who can’t.

Of course, I see this as the most awesome thing ever, and have resolved to go no matter what. But for some reason when creating my elections poster, things got pretty… bizarre. It’s a solid text piece. Read on:


It is the year 2076 AD.

You gaze upon the ruined world. Packs of wild dogs roam the dark corridors men once called streets. Mighty towers of steel and concrete have crumbled into dust. There is nothing left but destruction and despair.

Looking up you see black, twisted crows as large Volkswagens. They circle endlessly, screeching in hunger and pain. They have a hundred eyes, crooked beaks, gnarled and broken talons; to see them is to know horror. Finally you can bear it no more. You look down, where you see nothing but the scorched and barren Earth.

In the lonely, quiet hours of the night, you know this was not the way it was meant to be.

You begin walking, and as the days blend into weeks you begin to lose yourself, lose your humanity. When, three months later, you come across a cabin, you are not sure what it is. It has been so long since you’ve seen some sign of life, some sign of civilization.

A light is on in the cabin, and you are drawn towards it. Inside you find a small, quiet man (is that what men look like? You had almost forgotten). The man is old, and his wrinkles fold around him like a blanket. He hands you a box. Inside the box is a letter. Inside the letter is the truth you have sought all your life.

“Once,” the letter says, “long ago, there was another way. In those days fields were rich and green. Trees bore sweet fruit. The sky was a stunning blue no longer seen on this Earth. They were not perfect times, but they were good enough. Then the dark days came, and all was lost.”

“But things do not have to be like this.”
“There is still Hope.”

When you look away from the letter the old man is gone. Perhaps he was never there in the first place. Perhaps none of it was. The world has gone hazy, indistinct. Great change is coming. You are filled with a drive, a sense of purpose, you have not known in years. Things can still be made right. You know what you must do.

(Vote Jacob for NASH)


Essentially I have suggested that if you don’t vote for me, you will be responsible for an apocalyptic future full of giant crows.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s up with me.

Editor’s Note: The newspaper ended up not renting a van, and I later bowed out of the race so the available plane tickets could go to people who deserved them. Oddly enough, my “don’t vote for me” speech garnered me several votes. People are weird.

November 24, 2007 at 11:02 pm Leave a comment

Supplement to Yesterday’s Post

As promised, more in-jokes no one cares about! Drop them casually into conversations to annoy your friends!

The fact that I insist on blogging about things no one in their right mind cares about is quite bizarre. Perhaps in the future I will do a post psychoanalyzing my own blog, showing how my choice of content is really an attempt to drive off readers as a defense mechanism.

I am the Sea Cucumber of Bloggers.


Among my friends there is but one condemnation so damning that to receive it is to show you as the lowest of the low, the refuse of society, the scum of the Earth.

“You’re worse than Ben Stiller!”

For those not in the know, it is important to understand that this comes from a related in-joke wherein it is explained that “Ben Stiller is history’s greatest monster!”. This itself comes from the Rick Gervais comedy “Extras”, where Ben Stiller cameos as himself terrorizing actors AND Holocaust victims.

On a related note, everyone should make an effort to watch Extras. It’s hilarious.


Sometimes you just hate something, but you have no rational reason for doing so. For example, say you hated french toast. How do you justify this hatred to friends? How do you explain to them a rage that is innately inexplicable?

Easy. You look them in the eyes and you tell them; “French toast started the fire that killed my parents.”

The phrase “(blank) started the fire that killed my parents” has become the catch-all for describing things you don’t like, no matter how ridiculous. My favourite so far? When wearing swimming goggles and talking about the weird rings they leave around your eyes, I was able to drop the line “Goggle-marks started the fire that killed my parents.”

Goggle Marks

My favourite jokes tend to be pretty nonsensical.


One last shout out to all the kids back home:

‘This blog post is so cool it will eat your house’

November 21, 2007 at 7:52 am Leave a comment

I Blogged About Your Mom Last Night

Blogging activities have been largely curtailed lately by the dreaded “end of term” rush. Such is the life of a university student.

Also in the life of a university student? Incredibly inappropriate jokes. For nearly a month now my group of friends have been trading ‘Your Mom’ jokes; it just caught on one weekend and never stopped.

The really weird thing? They started as standard Your Mom jokes, but as it went on we started purposely setting each other up for the jokes and taking them in strange new directions. For example, a discussion of John Stuart Mill and laissez-faire economics led to the phrase “I gave your mom the greater good last night!”. At another point, while discussing Christmas shopping, Alyssa prompted me with “hey, you know what my mom likes”. The whole thing has just gotten weird and self-referential and (dare I say it?) post-modern.

This “Your Mom” meme is the strangest running gag I’ve ever been a part of; however, it’s all worth it for providing what may be the single greatest set-up/delivery of a Your Mom joke ever. We were talking about a friend named Beth and how she is the least bad-ass person alive; in the end Beth decided that if she couldn’t be bad-ass she would settle for being “good-ass”.

At this point Alyssa sprung into action, proving herself forever the master of the form. Looking Beth straight in the eyes, she responded with:

“Your mom was good ass last night”.

That she was, Alyssa. That she was.

Clearly, I have incredibly weird friends and share incredibly weird in-jokes with them. Tomorrow (if I’m not busy) I’ll include a supplement on other running gags, because I have a commitment to blogging about things nobody cares about.

See you then!

November 20, 2007 at 6:57 am Leave a comment

Hail to the King, Baby

So: Going to university occasionally involves doing work. Who knew?

In related news, my work ethic has been totally destroyed by the glory that is Super Smash Bros. One of the guys on my floor had his old Nintendo 64 sent from home a couple of weeks ago, and since then every night has been consumed with knocking video game mascots off bizarre stages.

One surprising thing has emerged from these sessions; I am really good at Super Smash Bros. Really fucking good. We’ve been keeping score, and I greatly outrank everyone on the floor in everything. Most of the rounds I play in the fights aren’t even close; I simply dominate everyone.

In fact, not long after we started, the floor voted to enforce “The Jigglypuff Rule”; since the loser has to give up their controller, the winner should have to be Jigglypuff next round to increase everyone’s ability to play. At the time I told everyone “You know, this just means the best people are going to get really good with Jigglypuff”. The rule went through anyway.

I’m sure you can guess what happened.

We’ve reached a point where I’m regularly beating everyone as Jigglypuff. A little while ago it reached the point where the other three players will enter into a pact at the beginning to team up on me, and I’m still winning those fights about 50% of the time. Meanwhile, my score has gone up drastically. I am the Smash Bros. King of the Floor.

Yes, this is essentially a post where I brag about how good I am at video games (or at least, one specific video game). If you don’t like it, feel free to suck it up.

…I think this competitiveness thing is ruining me.

November 15, 2007 at 6:24 am Leave a comment

LMW Day Five: The End

An imaginary conversation:

Jacob’s Brain: What were you supposed to do tonight?
Jacob: Homework, and then a blog post.
Jacob’s Brain: What did you end up doing?
Jacob: …I played four hours of Super Smash Bros. with the guys on my floor.
Jacob’s Brain: That’s it, clear out your desk. You’re fired.

And that’s been my day. Now, onto the meat!

Luncheon Meat Week: Final Day

Over the course of our week we have learned many lessons, forged new friendships, grown as people. I’d like to take a few moments to recount some of the things we learned this week for the sake of anyone who missed it the first time:

1) Luncheon Meat is delicious.
2) Sandwiches are pretty rocking, too.
3) I will do strange things for friends, including devoting a week to lunch meat.
4) I will then proceed to fuck it up by not posting when I’m supposed to because I’m easily distracted.
5) Hey, I found a quarter.
6) Meat comes from delicious animals. The not-delicious ones are sort of redundant.
7) I don’t have a seventh thing.

I’d say that’s a fair summary of what we’ve achieved here.

And so, my friends, I bid you adieu. After this we’re going back to a “post what I feel like” content style, though I am open to suggestions. If there’s anything you’d like me to blog about, feel free to leave a suggestion in the comments box.

This is Luncheon Meat Week, signing off.

November 5, 2007 at 8:39 am Leave a comment

LMW Day Four: The Sandwiching

Yesterday’s blog post (and thus, the secret of the perfect sandwich) were interrupted by these things; awkward revelations, a series of gladiator matches, watching ‘Across the Universe’, and midnight poutine.

It was, to say the least, a busy night. Here’s the post I owe you.

Luncheon Meat Week: Day Four

The Secret of the Perfect Sandwich

“There is an art to the business of making sandwiches which it is given to few ever to find the time to explore in depth. It is a simple task, but the opportunities for satisfaction are many and profound.” ~ Mostly Harmless

There exists a special relationship between a sandwich and the meat on it. The two are entwined in a way that surpassing physical being; a perfect sandwich cannot be expressed as the mere sum of it’s parts.

The factors that go into making the perfect sandwich are many. They include:

1) Choosing the right bread.
2) Applying to this bread the proper combination of condiments.
3) Adding the savory luncheon meat.
4) Garnishing the sandwich with the perfect blend of toppings.

Luckily, I have a series of tables and charts to aid in this demonstration.

Essentially, to make a delicious sandwich, you have to roll 20s.

For the record, I did not make this charts; they come from someone on the Penny Arcade forums, who made them in response to a comic I intending to link but cannot find.

Special Bonus Content: A different Penny Arcade comic about sandwiches.

It’s 2 AM here. Goodnight, folks.

November 4, 2007 at 7:53 am Leave a comment

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