Day Four: Crap, I Missed It

October 5, 2007 at 7:46 am Leave a comment

My plans to post the movie reviews plus commentary were thwarted by the fact I have a Latin test. Who the hell takes Latin these days? Stupid Romans.

Surely, though, I can’t just abandon you to a day without content. What am I to do?

Fill you with sharp existential horror, of course. Horror of The Octopus.

The Octopus is Man’s greatest foe. The terror of the deep, this bizarre creation has a myriad of incredible powers. It can shift its shape, change its colour, and has the intelligence to open jars.

Jars. My god. What hope does humanity have against a creature that can open jars?

It was once believed that the Octopus could be kept in check by other ocean-dwelling creatures. The sea is full of monsters, and surely some of them could best the might Octopus. Man’s hope suddenly fell to our old foe, the terror of the deep, The Shark.

And thus did our last chance fail.

What does the future hold for us now? Compete subjugation. Though the Octopus is currently limited to the sea, it will not stay that way forever. Already clever cephalopods are hatching schemes to walk on shore; there are even rumours that they have a genetics program geared to building an Octopus/Animal hybrid, the Giraffapus:

These creatures run an astounding 50 mph, feel no pain, and know only hate. It can rip a man in two with its tentacles and then lay a thousand glistening eggs in his corpse. Truly, our days are numbered. All that’s left is to find some joy in the time left to us.

The Era of Man is ending. The Age of the Octopus has just begun.

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Day Three: In Which I Angst All Over Life Day Six: Wait, Something’s Missing…

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