Wherein I Complain About my Place of Residence

June 12, 2007 at 11:40 am Leave a comment

It is ridiculously hot here. The kind of hot one might cast the most dastardly of sinners in so that they would burn for all eternity. In fact, I’m pretty sure the Catholic church is getting ready to start flying people out, even as we speak.

The important thing to understand about Winnipeg as a city is that, when it comes to weather, it is the most terrible place on the face of the Earth. In Winter the temperature drops to 40 below and stays that way for at least five months on end; they put weather warnings on TV telling you how many minutes you can stay outside without freezing to death. In Spring all the snow from winter melts and the city is flooded, like clockwork every year. It got so bad a few years ago that most of the city had to be evacuated.

Somehow, though, Summer manages to be worst of all. We start off the season with a literal plague of worms; the streets of the city are lined with trees, and very quickly these trees become infested with millions upon millions of cankerworms. You can’t walk down the street without worms dropping on you or pooping on you. Every morning you have to clear off your car windshield because it’s so thick with worm poop that it’s impossible to see. It’s really quite awful.

Around the time the worms start dying off is when the weather really heats up. It’s regularly 100 degrees, with a humidity factor so high that you practically swim through the air. This wouldn’t be nearly so bad, except that my house lacks any sort of air conditioning. Right now we have no less than eight fans on in the house.

The death of worms also marks the beginning of Mosquito Season. Everyone, everywhere always complains about Mosquitoes. In Winnipeg, it is different.

Winnipeg is perhaps the only city in the world where people hold protests to FORCE the government to spray for mosquitoes.

That’s right. Given the choice between a deadly, cancer-causing chemical and mosquitoes, the people of Winnipeg have decided to take their chances with the cancer. Having lived here for four summers now, I must say I agree with them. This is the kind of place where if you set up a mosquito trap, you might catch ten-thousand in a single day.

In comparison, Fall isn’t so bad. At least not until it starts snowing in August. I really wish I was exaggerating about that.

Let this stand as a warning to all of you; if you ever have the opportunity to move to Winnipeg, don’t do it. No matter how good a job you may have been offered, it won’t be worth it.

This has been a report from Hell on Earth

Editor’s Note: One of my friends in Vancouver was so freaked out when I told her about the worms thing that she has more or less vowed never to set foot in Winnipeg. This is the kind of thing the city inspires.

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