Back-Seat Movie Making, Volume II

May 22, 2007 at 11:08 pm Leave a comment

Guys, guys, guys.

There’s a new Fantastic Four movie coming out. And as you all know, I had issues with the last one. So let’s take a moment to look at my top ten suggestions for fixing the Fantastic Four movie. Behold the work of:

Jacob McNeil, Script Doctor!

1. The new movie origin sucked. I’m taking it back to basics; Reed Richards and Co. steal a spaceship to beat the Russians in the Space Race.

Because seriously man, fuck the Russians. History has shown bad shit happens when they get access to cosmic rays.

2. In addition to the restored origin, the Fantastic Four shall only travel through the use of a flying bathtub.

3. Dr. Doom sucked too; his “villainous” plan lacked oomph. In my movie, Dr. Doom kidnaps the Fantastic Four and sends them back in time to steal Blackbeard’s gold.

This actually occurred in Doom’s first appearance in Fantastic Four #5 (published 1962), thus establishing him as the most dastardly and brilliant villain to ever live.

4. While in the past, The Thing becomes Blackbeard.

Yes. This actually happened too.

5. The Thing’s mutation should flicker on and off periodically, just to fuck with him.

6. Replace Jessica Alba with someone who can believably play a scientist. Seriously, what the hell?

7. Special cameo appearance by Luke Cage, Hero for Hire

8. Narration by Stan Lee, done in the style of Stan’s Soapbox. The phrases “‘Nuff Said”, “True Believers” and “Excelsior!” must be used at least a dozen times each.

9. The climactic showdown takes place at Marvel Comics offices, when Dr. Doom kidnaps Editor in Chief Joe Quesada, writer Brian Michael Bendis, and Stan Lee. The latter of the three continues to narrate despite his capture, with hilarious results.

10. In the end, Dr. Doom is defeated through the power of squirrels.

Given these changes, I assure you that the first Fantastic Four movie would have made $12 BILLION dollars and won no less than 19 Academy Awards. It would also be in the running for the Noble Prize in Literature, and even become a surprise nomination for the Noble Prize in Chemistry. It’s just that awesome.

It’s ideas like these that prove I’m going to make it in the movie business. Just you watch.

You can find more Adventures in Back-Seat Movie Making here:
Spider-Man 3: Jacob’s Cut

Editor’s Note: How much did I hate the first Fantastic Four movie? Enough that I have refused to see the sequel on principle, even though it includes the Silver Surfer and Galactus (and I’ve made my feelings on them quite clear). I can’t think of a lot of things I’d do differently, some of them are even serious suggestions.

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