The William Wordsworth Conspiracy

April 6, 2007 at 1:55 am 1 comment

When studying for English exams, and by extension the Romantic Poetry period dominated by my old foe Wordsworth, I made a mental note that I would have to defame him later on this blog.

My friend Mitch, however, reminded me that this was redundant as Wordsworth has already defamed himself with his own works.

True though this be, I feel it necessary to reiterate the point. For William Wordsworth’s villainy lies not just in his work, but in the nefarious schemes and machinations that surrounded them. Some have even suggested that this is part of a vast conspiracy, an all-reaching plot to spread his insidious “poetry” to the world. So, for the good of mankind, I must make the truth be known: today, I tell the true tale of my arch-foe William Wordsworth.


William Wordsworth
AKA “The Romantic”
AKA “Slick Billy Word”
AKA “The Monster From Cumberland”

To many William Wordsworth’s childhood seemed unextraordinary, marked only be his love of nature. However, there were rumours in his town that this love was a disguise for something more sinister; many a villager is said to have found the remnants of a strange fire or an animal left staked and skinned. In truth, these were Wordworth’s early experiments in sacrifice and Satanism, an interest he would pursue further during his studies at Cambridge University.

Over the course of his studies Wordsworth would engage in the practices of a number of secret societies, always striving to gain knowledge. Somewhat unusually, Wordsworth captured these experiences in poetry, heavily guised under the veil of “nature poetry”. Though gaining in the knowledge and practice of Satanism, Wordsworth was still only a mediocre student of the art at best. When he graduated Cambridge, it was without distinction.

Wordsworth’s story might have ended there, another minor Satanist and torturer, if not for a chance meeting with fellow poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Coleridge was not a Satanist, but rather a part of the growing psychedelia movement of the 1790’s; however, he served an important role in introducing Wordsworth to opium. In a delirious, drug-induced state Wordsworth believed he spoke directly to Satan himself, who promised him power beyond imagination in return for becoming his servant on Earth.

Imbued with a new sense of destiny, Wordsworth redoubled his efforts. He was quickly able to talk Coleridge into a collaboration, with plans to produce a work of poetry together. In fact this was a thin guise to learn Coleridge’s poetry techniques and use his superior skill, but Coleridge was of course too far under the influence of opium to notice anything was amiss. And so it was that together they published the work “Lyrical Ballads”, the first great work of the Romantic Movement.

In creating the Romantic Movement, Wordsworth was working the first levers of his new and sinister plan. As already established, his works were merely a guise for Satanism. They advocated man connecting to the supernatural through ‘nature’; in reality, this nature was an elaborate code-system for spells and sacrifices, explaining to proper plants, herbs, and animals to burn to invoke the various demons of hell. More sinisterly, through combining poetic skills gleaned from Coleridge and the Satanic magicks he learned over the years, Wordsworth was able to work into his poetry an incantation that encouraged repetition; other poets read his work and also produced pieces in the Romantic Style, not realizing what they were compelled to do.

Through this system, Wordsworth was able to spread instruction methods for Satanism along with a word-system that deadened the mind and made the reader open to accepting and repeating Satanist ideas. Thus was Wordsworth able to build and lead the largest Satanist cult Europe had seen since the Middle Ages, a cult which supplied him with all the power and Earthly pleasures imaginable to man.

However, even this was not enough power for him; Wordsworth desired not only greatness in the moment, but for all time. Wordsworth therefore used his cult to infiltrate systems of government, schooling and literary establishments (a plan which resulted in him being named England’s Poet Laureate). As well, he took measures to ensure his cult would persist and remain organized after his death, a process with involved the ritual sacrifice of his own daughter. By 1850, Wordsworth was confident in the lasting power of his cult, and thus passed from this world to the planes unknown.

Today, whenever one is forced to read a Romantic Poem in school, or sees such works and their ideas glorified in literature and monument, it is the result of the tireless efforts of the Cult of Wordsworth. Each reading has the potential to increase their power and membership. Some say they hope to one day use this dark conspiracy to gain control of all the powers of government, knowledge of science, and subtleties of magic to revive their long-dead master and bring a new age of darkness down upon the world.

Luckily for us, their influence is tampered by the work of one brave individual; Samuel Taylor Coleridge. Realizing the terror he had unintentionally released upon the world, Coleridge spent the rest of his life laboring against it in his poetry; “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, for example, serves to warn about the dangers of the supernatural and of animal sacrifice, suggesting that to tamper with demons is to invite their wrath. Besides his public efforts Coleridge was also able to find personal peace for his personal sins through his work with Rev. Joshua Toulmin.

This was not, however, his greatest victory over Wordsworth. That occurred over the course of his life, as he constantly endeavoured to prevent Wordsworth from completing his intended masterwork, “The Prelude” (ironically called “poem to Coleridge” by Wordsworth). By his death in 1850 Wordsworth had failed to complete it, and thus failed in his aims to bring the incantations it held about. His ultimate goal with this poem is unknown, though the time and effort he put into it suggests it would have been terror on a far grander scale than had ever been known; some experts, examining the parts of the poem Wordsworth did complete, speculate it was an attempt to literally release Hell on Earth.

And thus we have the tale of the villain William Wordsworth, his grand conspiracy that lasts to this day, and the one brave man who dared stand against him. But it need not be limited to one man; you too can fight this War on Wordsworth, and in doing so ensure his legions never come into full power. Next time you see someone glorifying the Romantic Poets, do whatever is necessary to stop them. It is only in this way that we can ensure such dark times as Wordsworth wished for will never be brought about.

Editor’s Note: Man, this was really… wow. I don’t even know why I did this. This was pretty much the peak of my feud with Wordsworth; after this I considered the battle won and moved onto other endeavours, like talking about The Flash. It’s probably for the best; I can’t imagine still creating stuff like this. It’s just crazy as hell.

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