Holy Shit, I Forgot to Title this One

March 3, 2007 at 5:52 pm Leave a comment

I apologize for yesterday’s post; I was briefly possessed by the spirit of Jack Kirby, who appeared to me in the form of the Highfather to warn of our approaching doom. While both a transcendent and chilling experience, I feel it important to restore a sense of normalcy by returning to more Earthly affairs. Coincidentally, though, these affairs also involve a reckoning beyond the scope of reason.

For hundreds of years, Switzerland has been known for it’s insistence on neutrality in all situations.

Today, that’s all changed.

The Swiss Army, while staging practice maneuvers, accidentally invaded and conquered two kilometers of territory from neighbouring Liechtenstein. Despite a lack of ammunition in their guns or even knowledge that they were part of an invasion force, they were able to take this land completely unopposed.

There is a lesson to be learned here. The Swiss are badass.

Sure, they claim to have sorted things out with Liechtenstein, and they’ve withdrawn from the conquered territory for now. But really, how long do you expect that to last? Now that they’ve seen the awesome might of their military in action, how long will it be before they forsake neutrality and set out to conquer all of Europe? And after that, how long before the world? Pretty soon we’ll all be speaking four official languages, playing the Alphorn, and wearing ridiculously itchy lederhosen.

There will be benefits to the new Swiss rule, of course. Namely in the form of chocolate fondue.

Don’t let simple facts like Liechtenstein’s lack of an army, or Switzerland’s “withdrawal” from the conquered territory, fool you into thinking this was all an honest mistake. No, this is the first stage of a much larger and more sinister campaign. The Swiss are coming, and when they do there will be nothing anyone can do to stop them.

This is the second blog post in a row in which I’ve portended doom. I didn’t plan on this, but the story was too good to pass up. I promise tomorrow I’ll have something a little less… Armageddic.

Editor’s Note: I love this story. The fact that the Swiss just waltzed right in a took another country’s land by accident is fantastic. I for one welcome our new chocolate-fondue-bearing overlords.

Also, WordPress is telling me that “Armageddic” is not a word. Fuck you, WordPress. I’ll make my own damn words whenever I please.

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I Have Heard the Word Wherein I Complain for the sake of Complaining

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