The Mysterious Archaeological Adventures of Jacob McNeil

February 4, 2007 at 4:34 pm Leave a comment

Namasté, Imaginary Readers!

Arriving at the topic for today’s adventures in blogging was quite an ordeal, and I’ll admit I considered a number of topics before arriving at this one. But when I finally came upon this idea it just seemed perfect, and so now I’ve come to share it with all of you.

Today’s topic is why my life is better than yours.

Now, at first glance, that may seem like a rather arrogant thing to say. But you must remember that none of you exist; again, no one really knows about this blog, and thus all ‘readers’ I refer to are in fact mere hypotheticals*. So, I’m judging the quality of my life against the baseline of a somewhat average, imaginary life, and finding it far superior.

And why, you might ask, is my life so good? Because I get to do rather interesting things, and go on strange and wondrous adventures. Take today, for example. The average, imaginary, baseline person probably spent it relaxing, maybe casually surfing the internet, generally taking it easy. I, on the other hand, spent it knee deep in an archaeological dig, unearthing ancient treasures beyond the wildest imaginations of humanity.

Imaginary audience, compare your lives to mine and despair.

The dig in question is taking place nearby, on the grounds of a certain English castle. We’ve uncovered a stable from about the 1600’s, and are in the midst of unearthing it and the treasures therein. So far we’ve finished prepping the site and are now excavating the top layers for their historical goods. Common finds include nails, pipe stems, and ancient pottery, the latter of which includes a lovely blue German piece that was quite intricately patterned. Once we get further down we expect to find more pottery and any number of old coins, perhaps dating as far back as the Roman settlements in the area.

Now, no doubt real people do things this interesting and awesome all the time. In fact, I know quite a few people who are doing more interesting things, like a friend of mine who is currently riding camels across the desert in Morocco. But, my audience, you must remember that you are not real people, and in fact only a fictional, assumed audience I refer to in an effort to make the task of writing easier.

I’ll probably drop these lengthy explanations of why you don’t exist soon enough, but I feel it’s important early on to establish it so there’s no confusion on the matter.

In any case, that’s my story of the Day That Was Much More Awesome Than Yours. *The two people who commented on my last post are no doubt aberrations, a rare case of statistical clustering which causes a lot of nothing to randomly become something. I won’t go into the science of it all, except to vaguely allude to quantum mechanics.

Editor’s Note: God, that ‘imaginary readers’ thing was annoying. I’m glad I dropped it.

For the record, the dig I mention here was a stable on the grounds of Herstmonceux Castle. It had been previously excavated and then re-buried; we were mainly restoring the site. I ended up going home with a bunch of finds from the site (including tiles, nails, pottery and animal bones) which I had to smuggle them into Canada in a whiskey tin. By combining archaeology and smuggling, I increased my Harrison Ford-esque qualities tenfold.

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Wherein I Craft some Brave New Words on Blogging Wherein I Find Fault in All I Cast my Eyes Upon

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